Match report; Stats/action; Photo gallery; Rate Players; Virtual Replay; Your views; By Phil McNulty Chief football writer in Frankfurt England started well but were hanging on at the finish. What a trooper. You'll regret that in the morning dept. That man Lampard has a crack from the edge of the area but he was falling over as he hit it. But it is unfolding slowly before my very eyes. England are going half-heartedly into challenges and then pleading with the referee for a free-kick. England enjoy a bit of pressure in the final third, but Crouch is getting some heavy handling from the Paraguayan defence. Very wide. 24 mins 1 min Seems the Beeb have the right man there.". 9 mins Ah, John Terry's belting it out though. Drink! "Am currently stuck in a hot flat in Paris," says Sas. But Hargreaves is indeed waiting by the touchline, and Joe Cole, probably England's best [read: only good] player, is making way for him. "I suppose you might get more sense out of two 12 year olds than the pair of guff merchants currently masquarading as a commentors on the main channel.". Joe Cole shimmies his way through the big gaping hole where the Paraguayan midfield really ought to be, swings one out to Owen, who tries to cross for Crouch but, remarkably, puts it too high. I've just noticed how unbelievably long Peter Crouch's hands are. 50 mins I know for certain that it's not as important at the football match about to kick off in Frankfurt.". Jittery start to proceedings (did you really, really expect otherwise), but England produce a decent forward move in the first minute. Roger Wellum makes a good point. "I'm not at the pub - I'm at a PhD Summer School in Barcelona on risk and uncertainty so I'm going to have to 'watch' the game online with you. Motty is calling excitedly for a penalty, but I'd say a couple of extra stone would do the trick. Villar, Caniza, Gamarra, Caceres, Toledo, Bonet, Acuna, Paredes, Riveros, Valdez, Santa Cruz. Even Sven can't pronounce Rooney, to be fair 88 mins Ladies and gentlemen, the first bitter Scot of the tournament 57 mins Ah, this is the England we know and love. "No, no, it's a corner," announces Motty. I have seen enough to tell you that the England squad will actually have to emigrate if they don't win this game. Let's get some drinks in. You know, the one who mutters about things that don't make any sense. The increasing frequency with which the Beeb are referring to the bad refereeing suggests that if England do anything but win today, we've found our excuse. Drink! 7 mins Michael Owen's off, Stewart Downing's on. Having said that, 13,000 tickets were released for this game recently." 90 mins According to ABC, this will be the first World Cup game to be won 1-0 thanks to an own goal. Joe Cole starts a great little move outside the area - Peter Crouch almost looked like he meant the back heel that followed - but he was taken out by the Paraguayan defence. Someone boring like Alan Shearer will probably admire England's patience, but I say pah to that. The second half gets underway with Mark Lawrenson insisting Gerrard was outstanding in the first half. Paredes finds himself on the floor, tangled up with Rio Ferdinand, and Valdez zings the loose ball goalwards. I'd say I'm better informed than Wrighty (... oh, insert your own obvious gag here), but haven't quite hit the mind-numbing level of tedious trivia that makes Motty Motty. "No." I was actually joking about England hanging grimly on when I mentioned it four hours ago. Crouch makes up for a disgraceful first touch with a terrific stretching tackle, but after waving play on, the ref decides it was actually a foul. England could and should have created enough chances to put this game to bed by now. 59 mins 46 mins Watch the 2006 England vs. Paraguay World Cup Group stage, matchday 1 full match held at Waldstadion (Frankfurt) on Footballia Paraguay get a free-kick wide of the area, but England clear at the third time of asking via the gangly outstretched foot of Crouch. 71 mins Beckham pings it wide to Downing, Downing feeds Lampard bang in front of the D, and Bobadilla stretches for the save. Paraguay were pushing England for almost a full few minutes towards the end there, but not having made it count, I think they'll be back where they started once we get going again in 15 minutes. Honestly, the man is diabolical. Sorry about the lack of emails, my fingertips are gently smoking as it is. The players are in the tunnel! And we're off! 63 mins "Did we really just hear Ian Wrong, Wrong, Wrong use the word 'laxidasical'?" Let me dig out the best for your half-time amusement. I think I must have missed something here. That's half-time, folks. asks Motty. It's him, only he's been given many years of employment by the BBC. "Watching it on TV - but your commentary is more entertaining than the match." The Beeb's cameras keep blacking out, which may or may not be related to the operator having to listen to John Motson at close proximity. "ABC 7 here in Washington, DC," begins Bobby Otter, "has just informed us that 'Due to the World Cup, 'Lilo & Stitch' will not be seen at the time, but can be seen at 11am on ABC.". Well off. A fraction later the ball is headed down for Owen, but he's flagged offside. Group B: England v Paraguay England 1 - 0 Paraguay Gamarra og 4 Click refresh for the latest updates. The Paraguay keeper's injured, meanwhile. Name check "Please tell me that this is just the commentator's enthusiasm talking, rather than there being bands of Brits standing at each street corner in the nation doing The Robot. England's fifth corner follows, but Paraguay have 89 men back defending, so no joy. "ABC's commentator here in America has just opined that the short flight to Frankfurt must mean that it 'feels like a home game' for England." The referee here today is the other man at the back of the bus. It's a change of formation from Sven, unless you're John Motson, who is convinced Owen is injured. It's more than my slightly-hungover brain can take." 55 mins I don't know Neil, I've stuffed my ears with some sheep dung, since it was better than listening to the Beeb Dream Team. Pre-match padding GOAL!!!!!!! More comedy ball-punching from Bobadilla nonetheless. On immediate evidence, Bobadilla is rubbish. Unfortunately neither did this. Pace is all that's lacking. Owen is released by Beckham but, having dropped half a yard of pace every month since that goal against Argentina, he can't make anything of it. 49 mins From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Play in Group B of the 2006 FIFA World Cup began on 10 June and completed on 20 June 2006. Bring Flintoff back. Paraguay are pinching the ball off them with ease and the boys in white just watch them. Breathe! Subs: Bridge, Campbell, Carragher, Carrick, Carson, Downing, Hargreaves, James, Jenas, Lennon, Rooney, Walcott. 18 mins As long as you don't tell thousands of people, Sonya, I'd say you'll be OK. What? And don't be fooled by my cool exterior: I've been jittery about this since about March. He's that man that sits at the back of the bus, rubbing his groin and nursing a tin of Special Brew in the other hand. National anthems "Is there anything else on TV we can do a minute by minute on?" Old Mother Hubbard went to her inbox to get some tittersome mail... But Gerrard's disappeared somewhere in the centre circle, Lampard couldn't put the ball in the right place if he picked it up and carried it there, and Owen is practically a spectator. England first, which the camera crew ought to have realised - instead they peg it across the Paraguayan line to get pictures of Che Neville standing in stony silence. David Beckham categorically denies those rumours about his dressing room influence. Mark, I could tell you more about the game if I wasn't busting some Crouchy moves in between times. Meanwhile England goalkeeper Jim Robinson collects an aimless header. 76 mins 16 mins That man has got at least 15 pints under his belt, and he's sweating like a hog. John Terry fluffs his lines on the edge of the area and allows Paredes a crack at goal, but his shot is deflected wide off the buttocks of his team-mate. "Just thought I'd let everyone know that if you're bored enough to 'press the red button' on BBC 1, you can select an alternative audio commentary including one called 'Kids Com' which features a couple of 12 year olds discussing Paraguay's weakness at set-pieces," says David Glen. What a start! 28 mins Ah come on, allow me this little pleasure after nearly an hour and a half of this. Worrying moments... but he's on his feet again. 39 mins "When have England ever played well in the heat? "That was a goalkick wasn't it Mark?" The French open is on in Paris." Anthem of England v Paraguay (FIFA World Cup 2006) - YouTube Soccerball My sources say they're a bit tasty on the counter-attack though, which has got Joe-Cole-caught-in-possession written all over it. 82 mins Joe Cole earns England a free-kick wide on the left, Beckham delivers a sweet, sweet ball which skims Gamarra's head on its way into the net. Apparently ABC have just called the England captain Mike Beckham, just moments after waxing lyrical about how famous he is. Get yer coat If England don't concede in this game, it'll only be thanks to Paraguay's own short-comings. Watch the goals of this match by showing the result on the, This section is for commenting on the match. If they play like this, you won't need to move Phil. 43 mins England have looked dangerous from set-pieces and should try that again today - Paraguay haven't got much height, and their keeper looks permanently like David Seaman flapping at a Ronaldinho lob. "I'm in Berlin," says David Haslett. asks an anonymous email. 6 mins And there's a window opening for England here...". The Paraguayan number is the jaunty experience you'd want from a south American nation, and we're this close.